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Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 10:54:21 AM
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redy4raptre
Posts: 5
Joined: 3/11/2008
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My middle child is 19, works full time and lives with us. He has been in and out of our home since he was 16, living with friends and other church family members. He blames his problems on me. Is always angry with me. Anything I say he says is STUPID. I am stupid all the time as he puts it. He doesn't like anyone to talk to him unless he starts the conversation. We have to walk on eggshells around him. He is verbally abusive. He thinks he knows it all. Yes he drinks and smokes pot - away from home. I can't get him to stop. I am a former meth addict, drinker and pot smoker. I sometimes have a drink or a glass or wine and I have been know to smoke pot once in a while over the last ten years. Although I have been saved and going to church I don't think I have been a good enough strong Christian for my son to imitate. How can I help him to change without him realizing it? Are there books I can read that will guide me through the process. Cannot afford therapy. I am at a new church so the pastor doesn't quite know me yet. Help me please!!!
I have a 23 year old and a 16 year old too.
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 11:35:14 AM
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dianetavegia
Posts: 2030
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
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Why do you allow the 19 year old drinking, pot smoking, bad talking adult to live in your home and abuse you in front of the 16 year old?
This is a call for tough love. He would be given notice that he has X many weeks to save up for an apartment because he is no longer going to be living in my home.
Maybe you have lived a bad example in front of him, but don't enable him to make the same bad choices. His money can go to rent instead of drugs and alcohol.
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 11:41:27 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2917
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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When my oldest son was 19 and still living at home his attitude was horrendous. He didn't drink or smoke pot but mouth was very disrespectful. I gave him a deadline of when he had to move out. A year of living on his own grew him into a more mature adult and a more respectful son.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 12:13:57 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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I agree with Diane and Laura.
Irregardless of him being your son, this is an ADULT in YOUR home speaking to you this way.
_____________________________
<-- Squirt
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
....Thomas Jefferson
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 12:38:28 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6146
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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redy
Could I just ask you when was the last time you smoked pot? Did you have custody of the children all the time you were using meth? I read that you've been a Christian for 10 years, but you clearly still struggle sometimes re your past addictions - are you getting ongoing help for your own recovery? Just one more question (sorry!) - is the children's father anywhere in the picture?
_____________________________
"I think Manda and I are on the same page"
crankius, January 2009
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 12:50:29 PM
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redy4raptre
Posts: 5
Joined: 3/11/2008
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Yeah Dad is still in the home. He did spend 3 years in prison while the kids were still young. I still struggle yes with my own addictions. Less than a month ago was the last time I did. I have been dealing with alot of pain, I was recently hospitalized for an infection so I didn't know where else to turn at the moment. Dad does not know I have this problem still. He used to be abusive before he got saved so I am afraid of him blowing up too. He has recently been telling my son he cannot speak to me that way and that there are limitations to his living here. I just keep him in prayer. I know he should go but he has moved out twice before, changed his attitude, came back then got right back to being angry. It takes about 4 months before it starts back up.
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 12:59:58 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6146
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: redy4raptre
I still struggle yes with my own addictions. Less than a month ago was the last time I did.
That was with the pot, yes? I am sorry to ask this, but when was the last time you used meth?
What help did you get when you first came off meth - did you go to a detox clinic and rehab?
I personally think it is important that you investigate getting some proper help for yourself, for your recovery and then consider telling your husband about your struggles. Have you spoken to your pastor about your struggles?
quote:
I have been dealing with alot of pain
What kind of pain? (if it's ok to ask)
And do you have insurance?
Your son is clearly angry and hurting. I'm not saying that it's ok that he talks to you like that, but he likely needs help himself. You said your dh used to be abusive - was this to you or to the children? How long has he been a Christian?
_____________________________
"I think Manda and I are on the same page"
crankius, January 2009
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 1:26:01 PM
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redy4raptre
Posts: 5
Joined: 3/11/2008
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I have not used meth since March of 1999, six months after being saved. I went through NA then Celebrate Recovery.
DH has been clean since being saved July of 1998.
The pain I am currently having is acute cellulitis in my leg, I have acute cervicalgia (pain in neck) arthritis in arms. I do have a Dr and insurance, they don't see the problems or understand the pain, except for the leg. It happens to be visable.
I know I need to work on my problems and not my son's first, I want him to see that I am trying so that perhaps he will try.
DH was abusive to me and my oldest son (from another marriage) his own children not.
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/27/2008 1:57:07 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6146
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: redy4raptre
I have not used meth since March of 1999, six months after being saved. I went through NA then Celebrate Recovery.
DH has been clean since being saved July of 1998.
The pain I am currently having is acute cellulitis in my leg, I have acute cervicalgia (pain in neck) arthritis in arms. I do have a Dr and insurance, they don't see the problems or understand the pain, except for the leg. It happens to be visable.
I know I need to work on my problems and not my son's first, I want him to see that I am trying so that perhaps he will try.
DH was abusive to me and my oldest son (from another marriage) his own children not.
I would suggest to you that you look into going back to Celebrate Recovery, and also that you investigate counselling through your insurance. Both things should assist you both with your own recovery and with dealing with your son. Does he know you've smoked pot recently?
How has your relationship been with your husband since he got saved? Has he been physically or emotionally abusive at all?
_____________________________
"I think Manda and I are on the same page"
crankius, January 2009
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/28/2008 1:02:58 AM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2945
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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Redy, have you ever checked out Al-Anon? HERE is a link to their website to help you find a meeting.
I'm reading that book Boundaries right now. Hehehe...It's a good read so far.
If your son is working full-time he can probably afford his own apartment, you think? There should be no reason for him to come back if he's got his own place. You can even help him look through the paper or craigslist or apartment websites with him and give him advice on what to look for in an apartment.
< Message edited by Mrs.X -- 8/28/2008 1:28:27 AM >
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Adult Child Problems - 8/28/2008 7:25:37 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 284
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: redy4raptre
My middle child is 19, works full time and lives with us. He has been in and out of our home since he was 16, living with friends and other church family members. He blames his problems on me. Is always angry with me. Anything I say he says is STUPID. I am stupid all the time as he puts it. He doesn't like anyone to talk to him unless he starts the conversation. We have to walk on eggshells around him. He is verbally abusive. He thinks he knows it all. Yes he drinks and smokes pot - away from home. I can't get him to stop. I am a former meth addict, drinker and pot smoker. I sometimes have a drink or a glass or wine and I have been know to smoke pot once in a while over the last ten years. Although I have been saved and going to church I don't think I have been a good enough strong Christian for my son to imitate. How can I help him to change without him realizing it? Are there books I can read that will guide me through the process. Cannot afford therapy. I am at a new church so the pastor doesn't quite know me yet. Help me please!!!
I have a 23 year old and a 16 year old too.
Mom,
First...get CLEAN...no dope, no booze. Examples speak volumes.
Second, until your son decides he respects you, there's not a whole lot that can be done. Respect has to be earned, not demanded.
My youngest son (now 18) chose to blame me for all his problems (skipping school, drugs, etc, although I am neither an addict nor an alcoholic), and constantly refused to work with the counselors that we had him seeing, we requested that he be removed from our home, through the legal system (after 2 charges of assault and battery on both me and his stepfather). He is not welcome here...
Now...that you know where I'm coming from...maybe it's time to tell the young man that while he may not have much respect for you, you still will not tolerate his attitude. If he can't be respectful he can at least be polite. If he can't be polite, then he may leave.
And...he won't change until he's ready to change...until HE takes responsibility for his own choices.
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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This would be the way to go IMO.
