Saire
Posts: 7
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline
|
I wasn't sure on where to put this, so I'll just stick to this place for now.
Pretty much all childhood, I always looked at this world, and what I could get out of it. Every day I would try to entertain myself by doing crazy things, messing with people, and doing things to make people cry. Then came the 5 year old me, when I started to see and realize the things going around me, and even though I don't vividly remember the things of my past, I still remember what I went through, specifly the hard times.
From five on up I started to become self concious about myself and my surrondings. It was like this: Wake up, go to school, get home, eat, and sleep. That was basically my life back then. And as I grew up I became more and more paranoid. I felt as though I wasn't like the other kids. So I didn't get involved with them. I became antisocial and always did things my way. A loner I guess you could say. In fact when people called my name I would always stay quiet, just nodding my head yes or no, and whenever teachers called I would do my best to answer with as little detail as possible. I didn't want people to see inside me, but then again I didn't want people to abandon me. I was the quietest person you could ever know. You'd probably think I was a mime.
When I became 6 and was in elementary school I remember having a friend named Kenneth. We shared many things alike. We both looked at a lot of things the same way, though the friendship was kinda awkward. Though we weren't the closest of friends, we still remained intact. And so began the 'drama' stage of my life, which shaped me up from 6-17.
I would only, and only talk to my friend. All the while beating myself up for messing up on things, like trying to beat the smartest person in class and failing, trying to be the fastest in school (Man was I fast), and trying not to disappoint my parents. All the while I would go to church, put my two cent in, and go back home, going back to a struggling life.
Along the way Kenneth abandoned me, going through his own issues, and I was left friendless for 3 more brutal years. I still didn't open up to anyone, and continued to lead a lonely life again. In that time I could feel the effects of depression taking a hold of me. But I was still trying to do my best in school. I picked up 2 friends at the end of those 3 years, now in 7th grade. One was a 'christian' and the other was also a 'christian. The former a 'true' christian so to day. So we started going to a program called insight, a group for God, about the troubles we were going through and how to live out your life as a Christian. Everyday I went in there I just pretended to pay attention, and eventually started wondering about religion in general. Thus the religious crisis began.
9th grade came, my high school year. And man was it the worst time of my life. Things just kept getting worse and worse. I still wasn't talking to anyone, I thought my 'friends' were dumb, stupid, and that I didn't need them, and people began to take advantage of me, all to get their glory of popularity in this world. I just stood back and took the things they through at me, and devolved a false hope. Beginning in summer, going to my 10th grade year, I became an atheist. I never told anyone because I feared they would start stepping over me more, so I decided to find my place in the world.
I began going 'insane' in those days. I came up with a series in my head, about all the worst things possible in this world to happen to people, how they would react if these things happened to them, all the worst sins you could think of, I imagined. It was at that time I felt possessed. I was still in a sane set of mind, and I began to speak out for myself, only a little, but people began to concentrate on their own lives. So now that they were ignoring me, I felt as though I wanted to be part of the crowd, but every time I wanted to speak out for myself, I would conceal it. And every time time that happened, I would beat myself up. I eventually fell into a hole and gave up from there. I pretended to befriendmy friends, pretened to still be a christian (the fake kind, like this world's 'normal' christians), began cursing, and gave a liking to demonic things.
These effects lasted from 10th-11th grade. Insight was still available at my school, and I went only because I had a friend who was true christian. My other friend was one of the 'normal' christians I talked about earlier. So I talked my 'normal' christian into cursing and pretty much led him astray from god. I was the worst kind of guy to give advice to. I tried to do things in normal chrisitian boundaries, but I felt a need to do things my own way. So came my 12th grade year.
It was the summer before 12th grade. All the time I spent, I spent on games, and expanding my 'fantasy' world. But the strangest thing happened to me that summer. Midways, I had a dream. The scariest and a life changing event that changed my life around.
In it, there were meteors falling to the earth, crashing and burning the world, and I was looking at these things fall down, and people screaming and houses being crushed. Something I could only relate to now as the great tribulation. And eventually, after seeing so many meteors fall down, I died, in my dream. From there I felt my soul, my spirit ascending on a horizon. There was a white line straight across from my eyesight, at eye level. On the top of this line was a blue light, which I felt represented heaven, and a red light, which represented hell. So after awhile of being in this place I could feel myself go down on this road. Everything turned black, and I woke up in this strange office.
Now everything became black and white, and everything but one thing was white. I decided to find out what that piece of darkness was, so I advanced further.
It was then I became petrified. I saw a girl with long hair and no eyes siting in a chair, with a window behind her, and behind that window seemed like something of a city. I was numb-like and couldn't move, and could only gaze at her face. Her mouth was also stiched so to say. Then after what seemed forever she talked. She told me, "You're too late, you had your chance." And whenever she said you had your chance, her voice became deeper and deeper, as if she was Satan in disguise, and I remember the deeper her voice got, the more the light faded away, all the while the background being bombed and vaporized until I could see no more, and blackness envelop me. I felt as though I was dying, a real 'you're dying' feeling. The worst feeling I ever felt. And after 5 seconds of dying my mom knocked on the door saying "Time to get up!" And her voice faded deeper and deeper too. Like Satan again.
I woke up, and yelled out "Huh?" The I said "Mom?" She wasn't there, even though I felt as though she was right behind the door. Afterwards I couldn't go back to sleep, because my subconcious was fearing the dream and every time I would come close to falling asleep, an abstract freaky image popped into my head. I didn't sleep the whole night, and because of that night, I began to through some changes.
About a month after that dream I felt God spoke to me. I went on youtube, Curious about hell (Don't ask why lol). And they had a vid about a guy who saw what he saw in hell. During that time I felt as though God touched my spirit in the strangest way possible, and felt as though maybe I should become a christian again, a real christian.
So since that day I've been living out my life the way God meant for me to live it out. My life has never been the same. I read his word whenever I can, take joy in going to church, listen to christian music, and have so much more fun in life now that I truly know God. So now I live for him, and to carry out his will. My 'true' christian friend and I are now like brothers, I feel. He's encouraged me in my walk, and now I feel it's time I do the same to others in the world. If God touched a lost soul like me, couldn't he do it to others? He saved me, he could save you too :)
Also since then I've been reading the bible. Read from Genesis to Deuteromony and Proverbs in the Old Testament, and Matthew-Titus in the New Testament. I praise God everyday, that he took all my past and pushed it aside me, and pray everyday to strenghten my walk in him, as I will so pray with you guys :)
_____________________________
Luke 9:35: If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
Testimony - 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread