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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/8/2008 8:28:04 AM
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weaselofdoom
Posts: 16
Joined: 7/1/2008
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Selahgirl,
Since you are curious, here is the rest of the story...***
“Who cut your hair?”
I rolled my eyes.
“A lady who electrocuted a long haired feral cat, added some blonde highlights, and stapled it to the top of her head.”
My roommate Chris started giggling. “Tell me you didn’t pay for that mess.”
“Yea” I looked down at the ground and kicked a cat toy, “and I gave her a big tip too”.
I snatched my keys off the table and glared at Chris who was doubled over the couch, laughing hysterically.
“Where are you going?” he managed to ask while gasping for air.
“To get my money back!” I screamed as I slammed the door behind me.
I jogged through the parking lot until I knew I was well out of earshot then pulled out my cell phone and dialed a familiar number.
“Hey Mom, yea it’s me. Can you cut my hair today?”
***Not sure how I'm going to plug this bit into a story someday, but I'll figure it out I guess.
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/8/2008 9:06:12 AM
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selahgirl
Posts: 1235
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: God is with you, never forget that <3
Status: offline
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This is wonderful writing. It flows really well, not so that it becomes trite, but so that it seems real. I could see myself walking thru the same thought processes of the speaker. Like been there, done that... and makes the reader wonder how the speaker will solve the same/similar dilemma they have faced in life. Stupidity, teased, frustrated, regret, looking for a way to fix an embarrassment... we've all been there.
this is good.
^_^
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/9/2008 6:42:37 PM
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cherryfly
Posts: 300
Joined: 6/19/2006
From: The Twilight Zone
Status: offline
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It was an absurdity, but the truth. Tears smarted in my eyes, and one found a way to track down my cheek. My heart throbbed...and he turned and left.
_____________________________
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/9/2008 8:42:31 PM
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Ninjaearth
Posts: 99
Joined: 2/16/2008
From: Hyattsville, Maryland
Status: offline
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My heart is racing, my pulse beats rapidly, and my eyes are swelling into big puffs. I wait in anticipation for her answer, hoping that it would be the one I want...
_____________________________
"Spiritual Soldier Ninjaearth"
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/10/2008 12:13:07 AM
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1love1God1way
Posts: 2415
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: online
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You wished me away. In one breath, I vanished. Three years have passed now since that night. I whisper your name every night in my dreams, but you are never there when I open my eyes. . .
Oops. A little long. Oh well.
_____________________________
love.ben
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/10/2008 6:08:19 AM
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cherryfly
Posts: 300
Joined: 6/19/2006
From: The Twilight Zone
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 1love1God1way
You wished me away. In one breath, I vanished. Three years have passed now since that night. I whisper your name every night in my dreams, but you are never there when I open my eyes. . .
Oops. A little long. Oh well.
Ha ha, isn't is nice when we get carried away with our writing? I love your sentence(s) by the way.
_____________________________
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/10/2008 7:29:58 AM
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selahgirl
Posts: 1235
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: God is with you, never forget that <3
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: selahgirl
... and then she was no more. His were the last eyes to look upon that smile that had caused the minds of men to lose themselves in wonder, to stall their breathing, captivated, vulnerable...
haha, ya know this was inspired by something I said while watching Equillibrium...
the scene where they were burning/censoring art... when they found the Mona Lisa hidden in the floorboards, I said out loud, "do not burn her!"
when they threw her on the fire it was a disturbing image and I mumbled to myself in stunned disbelief...
"and then she was no more..."
Kinda changes the whole feel when you know the inspiration, the rest of the story. Hooks are really really important... but a so-so hook doesn't mean the rest of the writing is bad. It would be fun to study the worst hooks ever... that ended up in best sellers. But this thread is an excellent exercise.
^_^
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/10/2008 10:00:27 AM
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wintery
Posts: 1873
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: nw alabama
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 1love1God1way
You wished me away. In one breath, I vanished. Three years have passed now since that night. I whisper your name every night in my dreams, but you are never there when I open my eyes. . .
Oops. A little long. Oh well.
Good, Ben. I really like that.
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/10/2008 6:34:24 PM
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1love1God1way
Posts: 2415
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: online
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Dread. Terror. Cold Sweats. Midnight trip to the ER. Will this be the night I lose my love? Will this be the night my world is ripped away from me?
Based off my experience last night. . . although I guess it was later than midnight that I got the call from her. . .
Thank God, she is alright.
But, if you read this, could you say a quick prayer for my dear, my Leah?
Thanks.
love.ben
_____________________________
love.ben
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/12/2008 5:48:53 PM
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Novalist
Posts: 253
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline
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Snowfall, white pristine and pure fell from the heavens to cover the scarlet horror that lay below, glistening as it settled softly over the telling impassioned streaks.
Eyes, the window to a man's soul, but what happens when the window becomes a mirror that reflects back your worst shortcomings for all to see?
How can you reason with someone who unreasonably bases all their actions off of chaos or save someone who's already lost?
Fear, is it a strength or a weakness, a power or a poison, a she or a he or is it neither and yet all at the same time?
Look with me into the fire, tell me what you see and I will tell you what I see. Nay, I see not a city, my love; I see an entire world waiting for domination.
The horizon holds far more than mere mirage, the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, only time and resourcefulness will tell.
"Shall we step into the darkness together Myethella or would you rather I left you here alone in the light?"
"Hissing requires a tongue, growling requires a throat and biting requires teeth, so what sound should I make now that I lack all three?"
"To trust or not to trust that is the question and the answer is glaringly obvious as well in its simplicity, to die or not to die?"
"Give me your hand, give me your heart and I might capture you, give me your hate or your judgment and I might destroy you."
< Message edited by Novalist -- 7/12/2008 6:17:03 PM >
_____________________________
Live life to the fullest and it will never become empty.
Although one picture speaks a thousand words, a thousand words make a better picture.
Reading is the art of seeing the pictures between the lines.
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 7/29/2008 10:46:55 AM
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mvic
Posts: 1603
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline
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She coughed and her leg fell off.
I ran for my life down the stairs and hid into a barrel of wine.
The band played "Waltzing Matilda ... Waltzing Matilda ...."
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Visit http://www.holyvisions.co.uk
My Book My Blog
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 8/12/2008 9:38:35 AM
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willfs
Posts: 333
Joined: 12/28/2007
Status: offline
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I am a cat person. I am also a dog, gerbil, deer, and guinea pig person. Ironically, it turns out that guinea pig does taste a lot like pork.
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 8/14/2008 9:44:26 PM
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Novalist
Posts: 253
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline
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It was a bright and cheery day...until the sun came out, then it was just hot.
"Illuminate not my profile darling, you may not like what the light reveals or what shapes the darkness will choose to fashion itself into."
"Unlike those weaklings it's not something that lives inside me you have to worry about but what has already escaped."
"Weakness is in the eye of the beholder not the beholden and to my eye there is no one with more courage and fortitude than what you have just shown me."
Firelight flickered on all of the upturned faces, the smoke carried on invisible wings away into the night.
Scuffing my good shoe in the dirt as I walked I approached him and sat next to him on the cold stone.
I stepped in front of Amelia and he stopped, cocking his head at me looking for all the world like a dog coming to attention.
Strength is measured by weakness just as weakness is measured by strength; the question is which the truer measurement is.
Beauty can fulfill expectation or exceed expectation but if it falls under expectation it turns ugly.
_____________________________
Live life to the fullest and it will never become empty.
Although one picture speaks a thousand words, a thousand words make a better picture.
Reading is the art of seeing the pictures between the lines.
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 8/16/2008 9:42:22 AM
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Ninjaearth
Posts: 99
Joined: 2/16/2008
From: Hyattsville, Maryland
Status: offline
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Nervous...scared, maybe a bit terrified. Regardless, he was happy in his heart about this day. This was the day he had waited for a very long time.
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 8/16/2008 12:40:09 PM
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selahgirl
Posts: 1235
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: God is with you, never forget that <3
Status: offline
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ahhh! I luv this... makes me want to know what's so special about this day... nice hook ^_^
_____________________________
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 8/16/2008 12:54:36 PM
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selahgirl
Posts: 1235
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: God is with you, never forget that <3
Status: offline
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quote:
"Unlike those weaklings it's not something that lives inside me you have to worry about but what has already escaped."
Firelight flickered on all of the upturned faces, the smoke carried on invisible wings away into the night.
Scuffing my good shoe in the dirt as I walked I approached him and sat next to him on the cold stone.
These three were my favorites.
The first effectively creates an ominous tension but makes the reader unable to resist being curious about the speaker's more threatening side.
The second, almost makes you want to see what they are seeing in the firelight, or to follow the smoke into the night. Though it seems a vowel may be missing, maybe not...
"Firelight flickered on all of the upturned faces, the smoke carried on invisible wings ____ away into the night."
The first half of the third one needs something, I want more clues as to the emotions of the speaker as he scuffs his shoe... the second half is a wonderful image that makes the reader almost feel the coldness on their backside as the speaker sits down on that stone beside the guy. Pull my senses into that one more. But all of these are great.
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 8/17/2008 1:47:23 AM
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Ninjaearth
Posts: 99
Joined: 2/16/2008
From: Hyattsville, Maryland
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: selahgirl
ahhh! I luv this... makes me want to know what's so special about this day... nice hook ^_^
Thanks! Long Ridge is really helping me with those hook lines! It's the intro to my newly online published story entitled "Forever." It's a short story that I wrote some days ago after doing some thinking about where my future is headed with my girlfriend. She said everything was how she imagined it, except for a small details (which I thought was interesting, extremely interesting cause I didn't tell her that I was thinking about the ceremony and the details and yet it was fairly close). lol....anyway, it was a fun story. I am planning on expanding on it in the future, surrounding it with a complete storyline with that part being a chapter. So yeah...glad you enjoyed it!
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RE: Hook Me in 30 Words or Less - 8/22/2008 11:56:12 PM
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deb77
Posts: 109
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
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I woke up as a mother of five and went to sleep that night a mother of sixteen.
(True story: read my blog-http://callmecrazy-momofsixteen.blogspot.com/2007/10/story-begins-with-son-16-before-he-was.html)
_____________________________
Love is patient, love is kind... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Co. 13:4-8
http://callmecrazy-momofsixteen.blogspot.com/
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