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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 2:42:01 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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hello sudden!
you do think 23 is too young too eh?
okay. i don't intend to "rush" to the altar too
but i just wish it didn't take another 4 more years..
seven+four...that would make a total of 11 years.
thanks... i need prayers!
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 2:47:21 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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laura:
i have been "doing" some stuff...
sudden:
yes again, it is him alone that i want to marry. specifically.
thanks for all those questions. i really appreciate them
somehow i will have to sit down sometime and talk to him one of these days...
i wonder if these discussions fall within the "we're engaged" period
or should i ask now i just don't wish to add pressure
pirate:
i'm wondering how old are you now? okay..hopefully
both of you will settle down soon and eliminate the distance factor altog
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 3:02:40 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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crankius:
i can't drop him...i won't break up with him
i know ending it is not an option. it seems like i can't even give him an ultimatum for fear of his answer
i asked him do you see yourself building a future with me
he said yes why do you ask
i didn't know what to say after that.
i'm worried he's thinking "someone better might come along" too
but it's been 7yrs. and i know he loves me
and wants to settle down with me but not yet?
so.i'll just have to continue with my life...
till he's ready
i'm currently staying alone and at the end of this year - end nov
his rent lease expires.
i was hoping we'd be able to stay tog after that
and hence lessen the cost and everything else.
and that we will get registered then
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 3:53:17 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 7729
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quote:
ORIGINAL: fingerprintsofgod
pirate:
i'm wondering how old are you now?
I'm currently eighteen years old.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 7:56:28 AM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 410
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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quote:
asked him do you see yourself building a future with me
he said yes why do you ask
i didn't know what to say after that.
Because you have a right to know! If you wait years for him and then he marries you, that's OK if that is your choice. Many of us are concerned that you are going to wait years for him and then he still won't want to get married or he will marry someone else. Don't be timid about asking questions.He is putting a heavy load on you asking you to wait so long. You have a right to know if your investment in time and energy is going to be worthwhile.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 8:35:26 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10977
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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quote:
i'm currently staying alone and at the end of this year - end nov
his rent lease expires.
i was hoping we'd be able to stay tog after that
and hence lessen the cost and everything else. So, you'll then be living in a (at best) sinful looking relationship while shacking up with each other rather than being married?
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 11:59:18 AM
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crankius
Posts: 4467
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Please know and understand something.
You are a gem.
You are highly valued.
My concern is that he is not treating you with respect between two adults who both have desires and plans and hopes for the future. He is treating you with the idea that you will always be there, waiting for him, hoping for a future which may or may not ever come...
I find it arrogant.
23 is not too young to want to know your future and to want to know his intent in continuing a relationship with you. He knows you well enough, you've dated long enough, and you are both old enough.
You have invested much of your adult life into this man. He is not your husband. He has not promised to be your husband. He is putting you on hold, with an uncertain maybe.
I asked you earlier--how much does God want you to invest in a man who isn't your husband and isn't ready to become your husband and isn't making plans to become your husband?
Edit to add: Make certain you are putting your life in God's hands, not in your boyfriend's hands.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/22/2008 3:06:49 PM
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sudden
Posts: 166
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From: Toronto
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Dear Fingerprints:
I do not think that 23 is to young to marry. I think that the age where one is mature enough to marry differs for everyone and since I don't know you would not attempt to say whether I think it a good idea or not. I was just thinking out loud that you have lots of time. I do agree with the other posters who are saying that an investment of 7 years in this person is a huge one and another 4 years is a long time to hang around without any assurances. I personally would not have done it had I been in that circumstance.
You asked about having the discussion regarding the questions I suggested to ascertain how your marriage would work. I think that initiating such a discussion would truly separate "the men from the boys" and would succeed in answering the question you asked initially...do I want to wait around?
I wish you the best in your new undertakings,
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/23/2008 1:52:29 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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thanks PIRATE + WILDROSE.
STAMPER_BEN: no i'm hoping to be REGISTERED, married legally
and stay together by the end of this year.
thanks to CRANKIUS & SUDDEN.
i'm at a loss. it's not like i can do anything...
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/23/2008 12:02:03 PM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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ponders.ponders.ponders.
thanks for everything.
i will update...after hopefully getting a sitdown talks.
i really appreciate everything.
been coming back here to digest and all.
and been praying.
and the Lord seems to be telling me to wait...
and to guard my heart.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/27/2008 2:23:12 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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sudden:
by assurance - you would mean a proposal/an engagement/registering of marriage etc. right?
his assurance - came in a non-tangible form.
sigh. his rhetorical question of do you not trust me?
i trust you, & that at the end of the 4 yrs we'll settle down
that if i pressure him into getting married etc
he'll not be happy, he wishes i understood
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/27/2008 3:46:48 PM
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sudden
Posts: 166
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From: Toronto
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Dedar Fingerprints:
Yes..that is exactly what I mean- tangible! I don't understand his hesitation to offer it if he feels you are the right person..unless he thinks it would look rather silly to be engaged for four years. It seems to me that he just isn't that interested. A question to ask yourself might be: Why would I want to be with someone who is luke-warm when I could be with someone who is hot, hot, hot!
Another thing I was thinking about is that you feel as if you are on eggshells with this guy. Do you really want to tread on eggshells for the next four years? If he truly loves you, he will do all he can to make you comfortable with his proposal or errrrrr lack thereof.
Wishing you the best in finding your best mate,
Sudden
< Message edited by sudden -- 8/27/2008 3:54:43 PM >
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/27/2008 8:30:10 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 700
Joined: 6/9/2005
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fingerprints,
Only you can make decisions about your life, but I guess that I have a lot of trouble with "we'll get married in 4 years" as an answer. Why is 4 the magic number? Why not 2 or 6 or 14 or 24? I agree with all of those who say it really sounds like bf does not want to get married (no matter what he might say). At this point, I'd be looking at what he does, not what he says.
The "don't you trust me" is a convenient redirect. He is avoiding answering your question by making you feel guilty for daring to question him. By making vague promises he is keeping you living in limbo. How long will you wait for him?
You said that he wanted to wait until you are financially prepared/stable before getting married. I would ask him to define exactly what that means to him and his plan to reach that state. Hypothetical: How will you feel 4 years from now when he is saying "Hey baby, I'm not ready to get married yet. I want to have ____ before we get married so that we will have a better life together. We'll get married in 4 years when I've had a chance to get ____done."
If both you and bf are Christian, and you are convinced that bf is the one that God has for you, then I suggest that you tell bf you love him, you want to be with him, you wish him the best, but you cannot spend your life waiting for him to be ready to marry, so you want to break up, give you both a chance to build a life independent of the other. Then sometime down the road you can reassess. Let him go and get on with your life. If bf is really the one God has for you, then one day you will be together. However, if bf is not the one God has for you, then a little emotional distance will give you clearer eyes to see...and you may save yourself from wasting 4 more years on someone who is not right for you.
If he is not willing to take your emotional well-being into account when he is making his decisions NOW before you marry, then he definitely won't after you marry.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/28/2008 11:30:27 AM
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fluffmonkey
Posts: 1617
Joined: 2/17/2007
From: some where over the rainbow
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Everyone has different opinions but the only one that matters is Gods, and if yall both have prayed about this then God will direct you and lead you on the right path.
I know you have talked to him about this but have both of you, prayed about this? If not do so and listen to the Lord. I know you have prayed and listen to everyone and you had said.. you heard God telling you to wait (well if thats true then waiting is what yall should do)
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My Blog
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Jennifer
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/31/2008 2:58:15 PM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline
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sudden:
he just feels not ready.
yes i want it to be hot n not lukewarm as well.
im not exactly treading on eggshells...
but im just not happy...
just...ARGH :(
everything seems so difficult n uncertain :'(
i jus posted a new thread on affection.
that. i feel is linked to this.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/31/2008 3:00:26 PM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline
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creationtalk:
after reading your post -
i started crying.
i am now. and im hurting.
i can't...i don't know.
that's too self-centred of me, isnt it?
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/31/2008 11:32:18 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 700
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: fingerprintsofgod
creationtalk:
after reading your post -
i started crying.
i am now. and im hurting.
i can't...i don't know.
that's too self-centred of me, isnt it?
I'm sorry you are hurting. Believe me, I've been there. I've loved a man who didn't love me or feel the same level of commitment.
I guess you are saying that you can't let him go, that it hurts too much. I understand that. I just don't want to see you hurt more. You wouldn't have posted here if you weren't already hurting on the inside. I'm concerned that you will continue to wait for him to be ready...and in the end he will never be ready, you will be just as hurt and on top of that hurt you will have the feeling that you wasted all this time waiting for him.
Maybe you don't have to end things with him--but you need to begin to build a life for yourself independent of from him so that even if you do wait, you won't look back on that time you waited with regret...use it as a time of growth for you -- study your Bible and pray for God's guidance and strength what ever happens. Develop hobbies, start a career, make friends that are YOUR friends, don't drop activities you might enjoy when he calls...tell him you have other plans, whatever you might have done had the two of you not met.
I suggest you read the book "The Secret of an Irresistible Woman" (or similar) I'll look for the book and give you the exact title and author. Anyway, one of the things that was listed was "independent"--the art of having her own life.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 9/1/2008 1:49:27 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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dearest creationtalk,
thank you for being my listening ear & sounding board
thank you for empathizing with me.
i will try my best to do all of that you have asked me to do,
and i will search for the book. i love reading.
there's really nothing i can do except try to be happy isnt it?
and while im at it, im waiting somewhat impatiently
hoping for the hurt to go away
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 9/5/2008 6:46:26 PM
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preserved
Posts: 753
Joined: 6/12/2007
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fingerprintsof God...I have to admire you and your patience...7 years is a long time and then to add another 4 more...For me...I could'nt do it...Who is to say after 4 more years he is still not financially ready. Has there been any intimacy between the two of you? What happens if a child comes in?
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 9/5/2008 9:12:57 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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Sometimes we are in relationships where we spend a long time waiting for results/decisions to be made.
I feel that he's making too many excuses. While its good financially to be ready - is ANYONE really ready? I would seriously give him a time frame. And if he doesn't come thru, then end the relationship.
Its hard when you feel you've invested a lot into the relationship and its really going nowhere and you have to start over. But if you think living together will speed up the process, think again. Once that happens, its really no incentive for him to be married as he will get all he wants without the paper being signed. Is it worth it to you to give it all up and him never to marry you?
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 9/8/2008 6:40:54 PM
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preserved
Posts: 753
Joined: 6/12/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MC4JC
Sometimes we are in relationships where we spend a long time waiting for results/decisions to be made.
I feel that he's making too many excuses. While its good financially to be ready - is ANYONE really ready? I would seriously give him a time frame. And if he doesn't come thru, then end the relationship.
Its hard when you feel you've invested a lot into the relationship and its really going nowhere and you have to start over. But if you think living together will speed up the process, think again. Once that happens, its really no incentive for him to be married as he will get all he wants without the paper being signed. Is it worth it to you to give it all up and him never to marry you?
So very true...
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